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Eternal Beloved
by Susanna Jameson
It’s so peaceful here. Calm and contentment shines from within, of which I never imagined possible. Beyond words.
Heaven.
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| Source: Wikipedia Commons |
Time doesn’t exist. Only happiness and love and light. Loved ones who arrived before me are always near, their souls melding with my own.
Until I feel the pull. His pull. His pain.
It calls to me; he does, scattering me with the ocean breeze. I’m carried along its current to where he is.
Edward…
It’s night. The twinkling, multi-color lights outside the window tell me it’s winter… Christmas.
We always loved the holidays; shopping, cocoa in front of the tree, making love in front of a crackling fire in the fire place.
I left this earth in early autumn… three months ago, at least.
He’s curled up in a ball, again. In the middle of our bed, he clutches my sweatshirt to his chest, the one he bought me on our honeymoon. This is how I usually find him.
Our German Shepard, Truce, mirrors his position, by his side. Protecting him.
That’s a good girl. Thank you.
She lifts her head to look me straight in the eye, whining for me to do something. To help her papa.
His beautiful face, so distorted in pain as he sobs and whimpers.
He can’t see me. I wish he could. I’d give anything for him to see me, to know I’m okay.
That I’m better than okay, except when he’s like this - when his grief is all-encompassing, transcending realms so that I might feel it, too. So that I am beckoned back to this place to witness his torment.
Although he isn’t conscious of my presence, he feels my nearness deep inside. I don’t know how I know this to be true, I just do.
Edward, my love. Hush now… I’m here.
His crying subsides. Soon, he’ll begin talking. I sit on the edge of the bed and reach to cup his tear-streaked cheek, though he won’t feel my touch. It comforts me to hold my hand out, hoping this time will be different. My hand swipes through him as if he’s one with the air, so I hold it just above his face. As if he feels the connection, his breath catches in his throat, and he immediately calms.
“Oh, Jasper. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t spend more time at home. I’m so sorry I worked that Saturday. Always too much. Always too late. If only I’d known. If I’d been home, you wouldn’t have gone out that night. You’d be here in my arms right now. I’m so sorry…” His words become whispers as tears fill his beautiful emerald eyes once more.
It’s the same, every time. He blames himself. He doesn’t know it was my time. There is nothing he could have done to change that. Nothing either of us could have done.
Edward. It wasn’t your fault, baby. Please stop this. You mustn’t do this to yourself anymore. Please?
He rolls onto his back, stretching his long lithe body, still clutching my shirt to his chest.
“I miss you, sweetheart. So fucking much. It’s not getting any easier. I need you to survive, and I can’t accept that I won’t ever see you again. I keep imagining you’ll walk through the bathroom door any minute, towel wrapped loosely around your perfect waist. You’ll jump on me and shake your wet curls, darkened from your shower. I’ll squeal and you’ll laugh, then we’ll kiss , then… Oh god, then we’ll make love. How we always did. Just… so… intense. Please, Jasper, please! Walk through that door right now.”
How badly I want that too, all of it, when I’m here with him like this. But not when I’m there, where I’m now supposed to be. He doesn’t know what I know, what I’ve experienced. If only I could tell him. I need to tell him to live a happy life. That I’ll be waiting for him, even when he moves on with someone else. It doesn’t matter there, in paradise. All souls converge, just as his and mine will again. For eternity.
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| Source: Wikipedia Commons |
You will see me again, my love. I promise. We’ll be together, forever more.
“It hurts, Jasper.” He clutches his chest, wincing at the physical pain my absence causes. “I need you… I still need you... I’ll always need you. You were my light, my reason for living. Wake me from this nightmare, please! Oh god, let this just be a really bad, fucking terrible nightmare.”
You have me, baby. You’ll always have me in your heart. You’ll always have what we were and who you are, because you loved me and because I loved you. We still do.
His breathing slows; he surrenders to sleep. His face relaxes, and I glimpse the beautiful boy I fell in love with more than ten years ago; the confident boy I saw across the quad on campus, the unique color of his auburn hair first drawing my attention. I just knew. He was it for me. There would be no other.
Once deeply asleep, his reveries begin, and I’m transported with him. He smiles in his sleep as he dreams of the day we moved into this house. We had no money to buy furniture, because we’d spent it all on our down payment. So, we slept on an air mattress, though we fucked more than slept those first few months. Waves of lust rush through him as he remembers our lovemaking. On the mattress, in the shower, oh yes… on the kitchen counter, quite frequently. My hot and sexy boy drove me crazy with need. I couldn’t get enough of his body embracing mine. Never could. Not even my last night on this earth when he came home from work so late, waking me and begging for me. I could never say no to my boy.
Finally, there’s nothing. My beautiful Edward sleeps peacefully, for now. As his grief lessens, so does the pull. It’s time to go.
Sleep well, my love. And when you wake, please try to move on without me, just for now. For me.
I feel myself being swept away like dust on the wind. Watching me go, Truce whines. I call to her as the last of my soul dissipates from this place.
Take care of him, girl.
….
Many visits later, I find him on the front porch swing with Truce curled up beside him. It’s a cool, crisp day, the cherry blossom tree in full bloom.
Spring. He’s made it through the winter.
I lean against the side of the house, temporarily overwhelmed by his nearness.
Edward holds the Sunday paper in his lap. He insisted we receive it, despite the new technologies. We would read it together every Sunday morning, sometimes still naked in bed, unless a beautiful day like this beckoned us to don pajamas and lounge out here.
His grief reverberates through me. Tears running down his cheeks, making no attempt to wipe them away, he lets them fall as they may on his ‘Accountants Do It Better’ t-shirt.
This is the first time I’ve come to him outside. He usually needs me when he’s slumped against the wall of the shower, the cascading water unable to wash his pain away. Or on the couch while watching one of our favorite movies. Or more often than not, curled up in our bed.
Oh, Edward. You’ll always be my love, and I’ll always be yours, but you need to move on with your life.
He dries his eyes on his shirt, running his hand through his unruly copper strands. Lifting his beautiful face, he looks around the porch, as if searching for me.
And I realize something that sends relief coursing through me. He’s looking slightly better - less pale, the circles under his eyes less noticeable.
Reverently petting Truce’s thick fur, Edward speaks aloud - to the air. To me.
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| Image by dropsofpurplerain |
“Remember when we found her, alone and scared in the woods?” He chuckles, his smile almost reaching his eyes. “Thank god, we changed our plans at the last minute that day, and went hiking instead. Or we wouldn’t have found her. She wouldn’t have found us.”
He remains silent for long moments, his gaze far away while lost in his memories. The only movements are the gentle sway of the swing and his fingers massaging at the nape of Truce’s neck. Finally, he continues. “As it turns out, we needed her as much as she needed us. I did. She’s been such a comfort.”
I know, baby. I know.
“You were my everything, Jas. The light of my life. How do I let you go?”
You don’t have to let me go. I’ll always be in your heart. But you must move forward with your life. Live, baby . For me. For yourself.”
Our neighbor, Carlisle, comes into sight, jogging up the sidewalk toward his house. Edward and I always enjoyed the sight of the sexy blond doctor next door, leaving, and then arriving back home from his frequent jogs.
He stops in the middle of his driveway, bending over and attempting to catch his breath. I found him to be quite friendly, always willing to lend a cup of sugar or a much needed tool, never missing an opportunity to share a welcoming smile or wave.
My new awareness allows me see into his soul. I’m warmed by what I see, by what I feel. I’m filled with warmth and compassion and the knowledge that he is a good man, through and through.
Raising his gaze, he sees Edward lost in thought on our porch. Waves of sympathy and longing reach out toward my love from deep within Carlisle’s essence. Sympathy for what he knows Edward to be going through as he deals with his loss of me. Longing to be able to help in any way possible, to be the one to comfort him. To be the one.
Carlisle wants to help him. He wants him.
I don’t feel jealous of this other man’s affection for my husband, as I would have in my previous form. No… not at all. I feel only hope. Carlisle might be just what Edward needs… who he needs.
But on the porch swing with Truce, frozen by his grieving thoughts, Edward is oblivious to Carlisle’s healing intentions.
Truce. She lifts her head, studying me, sensing my focus turned to her for the time being.
Go to him, girl. It’s okay... go on.
I point toward Carlisle; she lets out a yelp, hopping down from the swing. As she trots down the steps, making her way toward her destination, Edward takes notice and calls after her.
“Truce! Where are you going? Come here, girl!”
She doesn’t stop until she reaches Carlisle. By the time Edward joins them, the other man is kneeling beside Truce, petting her and speaking to her kindly.
Observing the interaction between Carlisle and my sweet Edward, it’s as if I’m witnessing the promise of something new and beautiful. Carlisle stands, offering Edward a hug; who in turn, readily accepts the invitation, sagging into his arms. Edward’s emotional burden immediately lifts, due to the comfort of human contact from such a pure and worthy source.
Edward’s need for me lessens, his grief temporarily sated as he shares his affliction with another. The pull that has beckoned my presence recedes.
It is time for me to go, until his grief becomes too much for him to bear and I’m needed once more.
Goodbye, my love. Try to be happy. Please, just try…
…..
It takes a moment to gain my bearings once I reach him; it always does. It’s been a while since he’s needed my presence. My visits have become fewer and farther between.
He's in our living room, pacing back and forth and cursing under his breath, wearing only a pair of swimming trunks. It must be summer.
Anger radiates from his every pore, hitting me in waves. It's crushing. I've not seen him this mad, ever. Not while I was alive, not since.
"Why, Jasper? God dammit! Why? Why did you leave me?" His hands pull at his hair. He yells at the top of his lungs, at me. Even though he’s unaware of my presence, that I can hear him, he’s yelling. At me.
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| Image by by Atelophobia - Nicola Bortoli |
Suddenly, he stops his pacing, leaning face first against the wall. One hand balled up in a fist, the other extends, smacking the wall hard. Hard enough to send it shaking, the picture frames so precisely hung rattle and threaten to crash to the floor.
In the blink of an eye, I'm right behind him. I place my hands as if I can rest them on his shoulders. If only I could knead the tension from his back.
He immediately calms, turning to rest his back against the wall, slowly sliding down to sit on the hardwood floor. I sink down with him, before him, needing so badly to hold him in my arms. To take away his pain. His sobs begin as his anger scatters; overwhelming sadness and sense of loss return in its wake.
"Why, Jasper? Why? How could you go? We... we had our lives to spend together. You... you were supposed to grow old with me. You… not him, or anyone else. Just you."
I didn’t have a choice, baby. I’m sorry you can’t understand right now, but I promise you will someday. We'll be together again. And all this sadness will have been for nothing. Please. Stop torturing yourself, my beloved. I'm happy. I'm safe. I’m waiting for you in heaven, but it's not your time. Not for a long while. You have your life to live here on earth, first.
I lean in, as if I’m kissing his quivering lips.
It’s not flesh on flesh, yet I kiss the atmosphere he possesses. An electric current runs between us, connecting our souls, like always. I feel his lips beneath mine as if it were actually so.
Pulling away, a tear runs down my non-existent cheek. Edward is quiet as he questions the kiss his consciousness can’t quite grasp, lifting his fingers to ghost across his beautiful cherry lips.
He wipes the remnants of his tears away, as Truce cautiously walks in from the kitchen, obviously scared by Edward’s recent outburst. Taking her place beside him, she looks at me and barks as if to say hello.
Hi, sweet girl. I miss you, too.
Next, she does something she has only ever done for me; a trick I taught her with treats when she was just a pup. She lies down and rolls on her back, playing dead, waiting for the belly scratch I am unable to give.
Edward gasps. He looks back and forth from Truce to through me. When Truce doesn’t give up her pose, he chuckles and pets her belly.
“He asked me out, girl… on an official date! I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Carlisle as friends, but a date? What do you think? I feel so much better when he’s near, but isn’t it too soon? It wouldn’t be right.”
Edward, I understand. It’s been almost a year. Say yes, to Carlisle. Say yes, to living your life.
“But something tells me… that Daddy understands?”
Truce rolls to her belly, sitting up and letting out an encouraging yelp.
You tell him, girl. Tell him I understand. Tell him I know he still loves me, even if he falls in love with him, too.
She does as I ask by excitedly licking Edward’s face, causing him to smile. Then knocked to the floor by our lovable pet, Edward’s smile becomes a chuckle. His chuckle becomes a laugh. My heart soars to witness him truly laugh again.
“Okay, okay! I’ll go, I’ll go!”
I feel myself leaving, drawn back to my soul’s bliss, a smile on my face.
I love you, Edward. Enjoy every second, my love.
…
It’s been so long since I’ve been here, drawn back to earth by his need for me. He sits on a bed I’m unfamiliar with, in a room I don’t recognize. His hair is longer than I’ve ever seen him wear it, just as brilliant as ever. The longer locks suit him. He wears a tailored black suit with an emerald tie that perfectly compliments his eyes.
He’s breathtaking, more beautiful than I remember.
This is his home, a different home than the one we shared. In a different city than where we lived together. I know this now. The climate feels different; there’s a wet coolness to the air of which I never felt in Boston.
I kneel before him, taking notice of the item he lovingly clutches in his hands. The framed photo of us beaming in one another’s embrace on our wedding day.
He strokes my likeness through the glass, tears falling from his eyes, splashing off the translucent surface.
I feel his regret, strong and clear. However, it’s interlaced with other emotions, unwavering emotions that calm the sorrowful one.
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| Source: Wikipedia Commons |
Happiness.
His love for another.
His love for Carlisle as it intertwines with his eternal love for me.
He speaks to the picture of me he covets, as if I am in the room. Because deep down inside, he knows that I am.
“I’m marrying him today. He’s such a good man. He loves me so much, as I love him.”
I know he does, that you do. I’m happy for you, baby. So happy.
“But you must know… you must know that I still love you as much as I ever did. I always will. I would have never loved another if you’d stayed with me like we planned.”
It’s okay… as it should be. There’s room in your heart to love us both. Grow old with him, baby. I’ll be waiting for you all the while. Then when you join me, we will wait for him. We’ll be one… at peace, as it was always meant to be.
He stands to cross the room, placing the picture of us in its spot on his dresser, beside a picture of him and Carlisle. They are bundled up in ski gear, snuggled together on what looks to be a ski lift. There’s another picture of them with Truce on a beach.
I watch, mesmerized by his beauty and grace, paralyzed with happiness for the peace that radiates from my love as he freshens up in the adjoining bathroom. There’s a knock on the bedroom door before his sister, Alice, peeks her pretty face inside, calling to him, “It’s time!”
Truce pushes her way inside, waiting just inside the door for Edward to join her. Just before he does, he turns to the apparently empty room, to me, whispering, “I love you, Jasper. Always.”
My eternal beloved… I love you, too. So much. Goodbye, for now. Until we meet again.
Originally posted by Soulmate Ficwriter
Beautiful story.
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